“Paraprosdokians” are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous.
I saw a bank sign that said “24 Hour Banking” but I don’t have that much time.
Always remember my grandfather’s last words “A truck…”
Half of all marriages end in divorce – and then there are the really unhappy ones.
If I could say a few words, I would be a better public speaker.
You know what they say: you can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really fast or he’ll die.
If you want to receive emails about my upcoming shows, please give me money so I can buy a computer.
When you first entered the restaurant, I thought you were handsome. And then you spoke.
I hope that someday you’ll know the indescribable joy of having children and of paying someone else to raise them.
Things
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
If you can’t think of a word say, “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
Other Things
A Goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Insults
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
-Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
-Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it.”
-Mark Twain
“Her mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
-Mae West
Quotes
“Instant information leads to premature decisions.”
-Tony Podesta
“To give real service you must add something which cannot be bought or measured with money, and that is sincerity and integrity.”
-Douglas Adams
“Napping is not what lazy people do. It’s what people who are really effective and creative and self-regulating and conscientious do.”
-Sara Mednick, Professor of cognitive science at UC Irvine
“It is not by merely living that people enter into history. Rather, it is by what we do, or fail to do, that we are remembered by all. Our legacy is a history of doers.”
-George Berman (my father), President, Duluth Jewish Federation, Jewish Fellowship News December 1978
“By this summer, the only things that will matter politically: vaccines and the economy. Impeachment will not.”
-Amy Walter on Twitter, 3:12 p.m. 2/13/21
“Impeachment is a congressional process to remove high public officials if they, regardless of motive or even capacity to form intent, pose substantial risk of injury to society.”
-Barbara Radnofsky’s “A citizen’ s guide to Impeachment” (thanks to David Werbel)
“One positive aspect of social media is that it gives minorities a space. I hope that this dynamic will take off from social media to real life.”
-Lena Mahfouf, Social media star
“My whole life is like a dream. I tell you, if I were not a Supreme, I would want to be a Supreme.”
-Mary Wilson, A founding member of the Supremes
“That sense of mastery over nature has been so seriously challenged by this pandemic.”
-Drew Gilpin Faust, Historian and former president of Harvard University
“Utter no falsehood, invent no lies, and cause no hurt to anyone.”
-Hazrat Mirza Ghulam Ahmad, The Promised Messiah
“I’ve said It so many times but take your life into your own hands. Don’t let other people direct you. Know what you want. I really believe in that.”
-Martha Stewart
Riddles
[The answers to these riddles can be found here]
- What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps?
- What can fill a room but takes up no space?
- If you drop me, I’m sure to crack, but give me a smile and I’ll always smile back. What am I?
- The more you take, the more you leave behind. What are they?
- I turn once, what is out will not get in. I turn again, what is in will not get out. What am I?